Christmas three
What does a girl want in her stocking? Well, this girl
dreams of three fillers. The Subaru Impreza 22B, Mitsubishi
Evo V and Nissan Skyline GT-R.
At the moment I'm suffering very badly with an extreme
case of the post-Christmas blues. Yes, of course I had the
most wonderful festive time surrounded by loved ones. Yes,
we had some riots. Yes, I had a continuous hangover throughout
the entire festive season and I managed to embarrass myself
in front of Gran. Again! None of that is to blame for my
melancholy.
Oh
no. My low spirits have been caused by Father C singularly
failing to come up with the goods. Isn't he supposed to
grant everyone's wish. Young and old. But what did I find
in my hugely anticipated and suitably massive Christmas
stocking? Let me see…Oh, it's just too depressing.
Call me a spoilt brat if you must, I don't mind. But
just imagine how I would have felt had I woken up on the
big day, peeled back my bedroom curtains, opened my eyes
excitedly and looked on to the drive to be greeted with
my dream present.
Over the flipping moon! That's how I'd have felt. Bleeding
marvellous, if you must know. And just what did I ask for?
Just three cars. And not a Porsche or Ferrari among them.
OK they were a little out of the ordinary, I admit, but,
well, all I wanted was three of the most amazingly wonderful
cars in the world. That's all. It's not much to ask, is
it?
The
new Subaru Impreza 22B, Mitsubishi's Evo V and Nissan's
Skyline GT-R.
Me, demanding? I don't think so. Crikey,
the Scooby Doo won't exactly use many of Santa's saving
stamps. A paltry £39,950 for a replica of the World Rally
Impreza! The Evo will barely make a dent in the old boy's
piggy bank either, costing a measly £28,500. And as for
the Skyline, well, he probably spends £50,000 on reindeer
nosh in one night. But that Santa. He can be so tight.
I dreamt about the three most thought after cars on
Christmas Eve, actually. I suppose it's the nearest I'll
ever get to owning any of them. So let me tell you all about
it.
My
dream begins down in the New Forest on a wet and wintry
day. Michael Bailie, the Top Gear photographer, is the first
character to ap-pear in my nocturnal wanderings. (Is
this going to be suitable for a family readership? Ed.)
He materialises in a two-door, six-cylinder, 2.6-litre,
turbocharged, 277bhp Nissan Skyline GT-R which is full-to-busting
with camera gear, ladders, chamois leathers, buckets, watering
cans - you name it. 'Why do we always give the chap with
the most luggage the car with the smallest boot?' I chuckle
myself dreamily.
Then, another good-natured gentleman,
namely Gary Ball, makes his appearance in my night-time
thoughts too, screeching in at the helm of a four-door,
four-cylinder, two-litre turbocharged, 276bhp Mitsubishi
Lancer Evo V. I seem to remember him saying something about
being a double-glazing salesman, but maybe that was a different
dream altogether.
And
me? Well, I am handed the keys to the newest wagon - a spit-ting,
snarling, two-door, four-cylinder, 2.2-litre turbo-charged,
276bhp Impreza 22B, of course. Grrrrrrr. Sadly, I know this
is a dream that can never come true, because Subaru UK have
imported just 16 of these little gems into the country.
And they've already been sold. But then a whispering voice
tells me that he might still be able to find me one if I
make my way to his garage in Malmesbury. Thanks, David.
The 22B is the latest Sti product - Sti being Subaru
Tecnica International, the outfit that's responsible for
the manufacturer's stunning motorsports results. It is as
close as you're ever likely to get to Colin McRae's World
Rally Championship car.
The beautifully blistered front and rear-wheel arches, bonnet
scoops and highly conspicuous adjustable boot spoiler are
all painted in lookalike WRC colors,
including the gold bespoked alloys which are surrounded
by 235/40 ZR 17 rubber. It is an awesome sight from any
angle.
Inside, you don't get a fully blown roll cage - or a
co-driver - but you do get perfectly shaped seats, wrapped
in matching sonic blue with black trim. The dash and instruments
are pretty much run-of-the-mill stuff - there's not even
a turbo gauge - but there are a couple of clues to this
car's complete commitment to carnage.
One is the pair of small buttons to the right of the
steering wheel for manual and automatic control of the intercooler's
waterspray system - more spray: more power, basically. The
other is the small dial set by the handbrake which allows
you to alter the center differential. It works too, but
you're advised not to give it
the full 'locked on' treatment on dry tarmac. This works
best on the loose stuff. In non-locked mode, the front-to-rear
power distribution is 35:65.
One thing is for sure though - this is one serious bit
of kit. Snuggled into the hot seat, all you can see is the
lusciously lifted section of bonnet that hides the intercooler.
Select first gear through the slightly notchy, but heavily
engineered, five-speed 'box, raise the twin-plate ceramic
clutch and you will be lucky not to kangaroo off in a very
non-McRae style. The clutch is a complete bugger and it
can make you look like a total nerd when you're moving off
in really slow traffic, as its biting point is extremely
sharp.
Having jolted off from standstill, it's best to grip
the wheel very, very tight. This beast will reach 60mph
in under five seconds and give you all the thrill of a rocket-powered
rollercoaster. The engine whirrs away to give you a no-holds-barred
dollop of 265lb-ft of torque at a lowly 3,200rpm and a fat-man
portion of power - 276bhp at 6,000rpm. With a thunderously
awesome 212bhp per tonne, this Impreza is a machine that
makes you wish, so much, that all of the roads in the UK
were there exclusively for you and it to run wild over.
It
is truly amazing to find so much raw grunt so readily available
at the slightest (or longest) stab on the accelerator pedal.
It can give an instant and highly satisfying fix, or a prolonged
rush that will lead to confiscation of (or at the very least,
points on) the old licence as this meanest of mean machines
tops out at around 155mph. What I'm saying is, this little
baby could add a fair smudge of dirt to even the cleanest
of DVLC paperwork.
But if the fun must be stopped in a hurry, you can rely
completely on the quartet of ventilated discs to bring you
to a halt with such vigour that it could make some
people feel a little queasy.
The ride won't do any favours to anyone
who suffers from an iffy stomach either. Go over the slightest
bump and you are immediately reminded of just how much excess
flab you're carrying around. If you're the gym-shy sort
of person, then the 22B is the perfect way in which to shake
all those wobbly bits back into place - while simultaneously
having the absolute time of your life. And in case you haven't
guessed by now, I happen to love this car. It is simply
divine.
